@LeonEarlgrey: I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don't let me drive
@charliecapen: Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
@squirrel74wkgn: [at the pearly gates]
I said, "send me a selfie."
Then she said, "too ugly today."
So I said, "never stopped you before"
...& here I am.
@Hustleupagus04: police codes
472: loitering
213: man with horse eyes
304: gnarly dirtbike
94: breaking & entering
834: dog smoking weed
58: sexy loitering
@genehunter1: I always blurt out, "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND" in my best Al Pacino Scarface accent when I stand next to a stranger at a urinal.
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