When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
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*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
thank god the sign was there
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*