@dubouchet: When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn't flat. I don't care if it's wrong - that's still some great logic.
@NotARatsAss: Tried to make a video seductively licking the frosting from an Oreo, but got excited and ate the whole thing. Twenty times.
@balloonsmatt: Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.