that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
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Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.