@DurtMcHurtt: When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
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@sweet_pea707: Me: I'm feeling frisky yet stabby. Do you want to come over? Him:... Me: Good answer
@hazelmotes1: Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.
@SergioValenCo: ''You will die alone.'' I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
@Hormonella: There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.