@DurtMcHurtt: When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
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@WeissBrandon: Me: excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and it's clearly a peanut butter and jelly Wife: did you just call me "waitress"?
@XGibbons: Lifeguard 1: How was your day? Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake 1: How is that sad? 2: He could bearly swim! 1:.. 2: He ate 3 campers