When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.