@Dani_Feld: When a relative asks me what I'm doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he's doing.
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@GoldenSpirals: Walks up in da club like "Has anyone seen my Mom? She'll be the one trying to cover up everyone's cleavage."
@ThisOneSayz: *watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial* *burns neck with curling iron* *stabs scalp with bobby pin* *gets hairspray in eyes* *wears hair in ponytail*
@drunkNnaughty: If you have to ask if it's too early to drink...you're an amateur & we can't be friends
@mamatomy3: My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.