@Dani_Feld: When a relative asks me what I'm doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he's doing.
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@AmarndaBvnes: don’t be offended if someone doesn’t reply to your text. their phone is prob “just on silent” or “right in front of their lying face”
@squirrel74wkgn: Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
@SaraMansford: *Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar.