@flyafuckingkite: When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.
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@Scott_A_Gilmore: Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.
@UncleDuke1969: "Dad, I don't feel good." "Do you want to go see the doctor?" "Yeah." "Are you gonna throw up?" "Maybe." "OK. We'll take your mom's car."
@notalogin: Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it's still right here.