When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
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You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.