When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
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[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea