When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
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When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.