Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
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Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY