@shatterpants: When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask "who's in charge of tossing the salads here?" Then I frown & order the soup.
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@rockymomax: Bank robber: EVERYONE BE CALM AND NO ONE GETS HURT Guy from back of room: IM DATING UR EX WIFE BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt
@Tmoney68: [At microphone] *clears throat* "Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap." *crowd cheers* "Thanks for attending my dance recital."
@cwhudson: *holding banana up to my ear as if it's a phone* haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i'm n-*banana rings* oh crap