@shatterpants: When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask "who's in charge of tossing the salads here?" Then I frown & order the soup.
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@DimpleThakkar: Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
@urfavoritejoel: Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
@SteveSuckington: Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they're wearing camouflage?
@WilliamAder: Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I've got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.