When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
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Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.