@SamGrittner: When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
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@WilliamAder: Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have? Me: Don't feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
@Home_Halfway: "I'm gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it'll be a mom scrapbook" ~ Mark Zuckerberg
@GrantTanaka: me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name guy w/ dog: Robert me: Robert guy: yeah me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
@highinamerica: Spell check changed "important" to "impotent" so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can't get it up.