@SamGrittner: When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
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@badbanana: There's no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I'll just go for it.
@Playing_Dad: [On a date] *Don't let her know you're a dog* Girl: Do you want to...maybe go for a walk after this? *starts running in circles going crazy*
@ImaFlyontheWall: Me: So you're an Atheist? Him: Yup! Me: So what year is it? Him: 2015 Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?
@natedog2049: Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.