I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
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I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
How about I get 100% off by already being there
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”