Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
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Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Tuesday
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.