A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
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I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon