I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
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me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I have never related to anyone more.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse