When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
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I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Me driving through Toronto
bias laundering edition
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
ready to be harvested
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.