When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
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“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.