When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
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Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.