When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
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Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.