When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
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For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.