When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
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My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”