When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
You Might Also Like
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Holy shit he’s back
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?