@TheBoydP: When accused by a woman a man's first instinct is to deny. We're not lying, we're just buying time to remember what you're talking about...
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@TheToddWilliams: [China] "You have to get good grades" KID: But it's so hard! "We're Can-tonese not Cant-tonese" KID: You gotta admit that's a bit confusing
@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: How was your day? Me: *kicks ball, ball rolls and tips water bottle into glass, weight of full glass releases ziplining GI Joe to push marble, marble rolls off weight tying balloon down to unveil banner reading “I ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING TODAY”*
@brennadine: [Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler? No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously]. Oh, good. [Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to