When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
A Short Story.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
is this meant to deter me
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.