If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
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Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
My five year plan is a meteorite
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Had an epiphany today.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
LOL!
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again