When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
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[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Google reviews are always so mixed..