@Donna_McCoy: When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
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@TheWadest: Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
@KizerBillhelm: *on first date* Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
@StinkyGr33n: [Speed dating] Me: "Toilet paper, over or under?" Her: "Und.." Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!