When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
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Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
So creative 😂
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.