When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
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I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.