Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN鈥橳 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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4.
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10. He is a cat.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Now they’ll never find me…馃槀馃槒馃惢
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
If we鈥檙e out of croutons, I鈥檒l just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I鈥檒l leave please don鈥檛 hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don鈥檛 tell my wife I鈥檓 going to play 2 am hockey
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I鈥檓 calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.