When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
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*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope