@JimGaffigan: When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: You only half-listen to me. You're in a boatload of trouble. Me: Yes, let's buy a boat.
@Rollinintheseat: I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
@cool_as_heck: ME: who's a good boy!! DOG: did you just misgender me you genderphobic heteronormative piece of shit ME: what DOG: bark
@Ristolable: HI MOM. YOU'RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.