@JimGaffigan: When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.
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@TragicAllyHere: My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.
@ArfMeasures: ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks- ME: I'm bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back AT: You're expelled
@hogrider05: H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare? M: I'm OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest H: We're talking about floors M: HR again?