@JimGaffigan: When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.
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@UnFitz: [speed dating] Me: Periods. Her: Huh? Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside? Her: In the US or the UK? Me: Let's get married.
@MdUNH: Cats are perfect for those who want to experience the indifference and hostility of the workplace in a pet.
@JustaFunEscape: Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don't know how I got here and I'm not even sure where "here" is.