@JimGaffigan: When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.
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@runner_mom2: My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
@dorsalstream: [lights 2016 calendar on fire] There. Now you can't hurt anyone any longer. [wind blows calendar onto my coat; I'm engulfed in flames]
@OhNoSheTwitnt: "You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep." -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
@Nikkeya08: Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.