When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
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Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.