When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
You Might Also Like
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.