When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
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Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.