When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
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ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun