@Amburglar_: When asked by the creepy guy at the bar "Why aren't you smiling?" my go-to answer is always "My yeast infection really is bubbling up."
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@MommaUnfiltered: Dear Snapchat, I don't care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
@BryMastas: When you're pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don't look like Jabba the Hut.
@liv_thatsme: trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you