@Amburglar_: When asked by the creepy guy at the bar "Why aren't you smiling?" my go-to answer is always "My yeast infection really is bubbling up."
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@KeetPotato: me: "what is a librarian's favourite food?" dog: me: "SHUSHI lmao" dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
@KeetPotato: me: [answers phone in meeting] "this better be important" wife: "i think we're having a baby" me: [sighs] "you told me that 9 months ago"
@Sirrruh: Bear: *lowers sunglasses. Is it *beary* serious? Cops:...Ok that's funny but but you mauled a child so yes. You have to go back to the zoo.
@d_whitehouse: Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.