When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
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My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.