When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
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Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Great acting.. 😂
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet