When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
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Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
That’s easy for you to say
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am