No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
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Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
this has done me in for some reason
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
That’s incredible! 👌
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.