When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
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Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.