When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
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It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]