When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.