When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
You Might Also Like
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Noted.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Breaking news:
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.