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[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR