Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
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Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Just me and my debit card against the world
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore