@danozzi: When brands use cool words like "bae" on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
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@jazmasta: "David you're late again!" "Sorry boss.." [cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer] "...traffic"
@PaperWash: me: just tell me I don't die in an Arby's bathroom stall Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
@trentistweeting: ok boss, i duck taped the hostage's mouth shut "you mean duct taped, right?" um... *cuts to hostage with live mallard stuffed in his mouth*