When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
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Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.