@theshamingofjay: When Bruce Banner gets constipated do you think he turns into the Hulk? - just one of the thoughts I have during important business meetings
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@flashember: walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you're insane
@dundlewood: IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
@HomeProbably: People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences. It's like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
@candace_9871: Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.