Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO