@theshamingofjay: When Bruce Banner gets constipated do you think he turns into the Hulk? - just one of the thoughts I have during important business meetings
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@Discourt: Things I’ve learned as a mom: Kiss boo boo’s. Say I love you a lot. Snuggle when they ask. Do laundry daily. Hide the good snacks.
@juliussharpe: Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you're getting ready to take hostages.
@XplodingUnicorn: [out in public] Me: A kid is crying. Wife: It's not one of ours. [we fist bump]
@dave_cactus: *approaches a girl, tips hat* M'lady. *approaches a material girl, tips hat* M'donna.