[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
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James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.