A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
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going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
6. me as a lawyer
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
They’re really bad with fonts.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.