I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
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My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Only short people can save us
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.